I have something to tell you. I don’t know why I’m telling you but I share everything on my blog, from my mental breakdowns to my fashion faux pas and pretty much anything I’m thinking about, I just verbally throw it up on here.
But there is something I sensor.
Something I struggle to come to terms with and something I worry if I talk openly about, will turn people against me.
I’m at ease with being mentally unstable (it’s almost fashionable now), I’m cool with you knowing about my ethnicity, my family and my insecurities.
From squirting breast milk to discussing my pelvic floor – you’ve seen and heard it all from me.
Well not quite.
There is something that most people around me, most people close to me don’t know.
Until recently when I’ve started to question why I’m hiding ‘it.’
I am worried it will turn you off.
The thing I’m hiding (and will probably not talk much about other than this post) is that I am now Christian.
Argh it feels so scary and big to write that. But it’s been a long time coming and I’ve had a long journey with it.
I was always a staunch atheist – I loved RE at school because I could see the holes in every argument, I studied philosophy of religion and ethics at a-level and I was always the strongest of atheists.
“What fools” I would think. “Who actually falls for religion?!”
I even studied Philosophy and Italian at University – the more facts (and Bertrand Russell) I read, the stronger an atheist I became.
But then it struck me.
When I was in a deep and dark place, I wanted to die.
I couldn’t deal with my life, I couldn’t deal with my memories and I couldn’t see a reason to live.
I was trying to help others but I couldn’t help myself.
A funny look, a negative word, anything, could send me spiralling into self-destruct.
But somehow a circle of people guided me in to church. They didn’t have to look after me, they didn’t have to believe in me, but they did.
I still couldn’t understand scripture or some of the historical facts but that’s when I started to realise that I could have faith without understanding everything or knowing anything.
But I still didn’t feel clean enough for church.
I struggled desperately with my eating disorder and the repercussions that brought.
Why couldn’t God just change me?
I used to (sometimes still do) dream that I would be in a car crash and lose all of my memories because some of my childhood had been so difficult.
I still self-harmed. I was like a sad child living in a young woman’s body.
I hated every part of me physically and internally.
Yes, I have been diagnosed with OCD, PTSD, anxiety, depression… the list goes on.
But whilst these labels help to try and medicate me, they do little to change your future (obviously good care does help to an extent).
And then came another change in my life, and I hate saying this (as his head will get bigger), but my now husband Chris came along.
A sarcastic, food loving, sociable and genuinely super confident person. And as two opposites we fitted together straight away. He really did change my life with his frustratingly logical approach, his simple background and his perfect family – it really was the cast of Shameless (me) hooking up with Chris and The Waltons.
I didn’t believe that a person could just be happy and not have issues.
The worst thing that had ever happened to Chris was that he got a D at Spanish GCSE!
I won’t go into my answer to the same question… that’s for a later date.
Anyway the rest is history, I got up the duff within weeks and moved from Sheffield to Wakefield to live with Chris and The Waltons.
It was here that I was introduced to a lovely church.
But it took me a good few years before joining in with some of the groups and family activities.
I’d feared that an unmarried mum-of-two in sports wear and with copious shopping bags always hung around the buggy, would be shunned.
But far from it. It was the warmest and most welcomed I’d felt in a long while.
And it was full of people like me -faithful but doubtful.
Fast track 18 months…
And I’ve been attending the Alpha course at church, an introduction to Christianity. I’ve always steered clear of the Alpha course for fear that it’s just about agreeing to the Bible when actually a lot of it doesn’t make sense to me.
But thankfully my Aunty Lynette in Malaysia persuaded me otherwise.
It reminded me of my philosophy seminars where we would discuss and debate lots of Christian teachings and what they meant, especially for broken people like me.
Our group has now developed into Christian’s Against Poverty’s Release Course to help people like me with addictions or life controlling issues.
Why is it uncool to be Christian?
I am far from Bible-bashing and I welcome all faiths or no faith – I see it as a means to be kinder and it is something innate that comes from inside me.
It may not be “in vogue” to be Christian but I don’t care as it helps others and I, to lead better lives, which can only be good for the other people we meet.
Being confirmed
So on finishing Alpha, I decided to join my course mates in being confirmed. I was unsure at first as I felt I had to have spent decades in the church but Alpha made me realise that I wasn’t alone in not feeling “enough.”
And I have to have faith in God as well as myself even though I’m far from perfect.
Here’s some of my confirmation story:
It’s easy to look back on your life as a series of negatives: Bullying, self-harm, eating disorders and mental breakdowns.
At first I would wallow in my misfortune, crying: “Why me?”
But now I am completing the toughest test which is to forgive the wrongs of my past and to turn terror into love.
To turn blame into giving.
With my new faith-found eyes I can see how amazing my life has been and what I have overcome.
I now talk openly about self-harm and eating disorders in the hope of helping others.
And whilst life isn’t perfect, my mental health is more stable with the help of church, my own little family and my safe home.
There has always been some inner strength that has guided me through. I grew up without religion, I was bitter and I thought to be a Christian you had to be ‘perfect’ -going to church in your Sunday best – when all I wanted to do was drink myself into oblivion.
Christianity wasn’t for broken, sports-clothes-wearing, damaged goods like me.
Now I realise though that it is for people like me and you.
And my faith has grown since becoming part of my local church attending a breakfast club, Family activities and now the Alpha course.
I am so thankful for my life, my faith and my family today.
I have found my calling too which is here to share my story through speaking out, blogging and film-making.
26 Comments. Leave new
Yay! This is awesome news. Thanks for sharing your testimony. I pray it will help people turn to the only one who can really help us- Jesus! He’s rescued a broken me many times and I’m so grateful.
Thanks so much it’s been in my draft folder a while! Sending lots of love xxx
It’s a powerful testimony. Lovely that you found such a supportive church. I find it hard to blog about my faith because it doesn’t seem to fit with my other posts. You are much braver at sharing your life on here and I hope you can continue to do that xx
Aw thanks so much not sure if I’m brace or stupid lol! Trying to become comfortable with it lots of love xxxx
Ah Sophie it is do nice to read you have found something to bring you peace.
I met you briefly at the NCT bumps and babies group at Dunhelm cafe and found you to be a gentle, friendly,devoted mummy and saw no trace of a tormented soul. .Its clear you are proud of who you are and what you believe in, that’s all you need. You don’t need to seek permission for that .!
Hi sue so lovely to hear from you! Peace is definitely the right word. It’s amazing what we all go through without one another knowing lots of love to you xx
Coming out… kind of a funny take on modern society’s view of things. I suppose a congrats is in order! Gods love for us is everywhere, it’s not something we earn, it just is. We are all broken in some way and God is there for us, God knows our brokenness and still lives us anyways. Great post, I hope it’s not the last time you mention it!
Great, honest post! I’m a Christian too but rarely blog about it. Like you, I fear that it would put people off – I worry about the assumptions people would make about me. Which is silly because it’s such an important part of who I am. I’m glad you’ve found a welcoming church community, that makes such a huge difference.
Thanks so much I’m still scared about posting. But so great to hear you’re in similar boat to me sending u lots of Love xxc
May you always know the comfort of the Lord on this wild adventure we call life.
Thanks so so much Sandra! Xx
What a beautiful story of God’s pursuit of your heart. May you “coming out of the closet” help others to see light…and to know that it actually IS cool to be Christian!
Thanks so much Pam! I hope so – we. An make it cool again xxx
Wonderful news Sophie, so pleased for you and good on you for always being so honest and free in sharing what you’re thinking and feeling, you’re an inspirational and I’m so blessed to have a friend like you xxxx
Thanks so much lovely! Likewise and more you are amazing!!! Thanks so much hope to see u two soon??!! Xxxx
Congratulations to you, now comes a wonderful adventure with Christ, or a endless and frustrating attempt to if self.
There is a transition that should and can happen to you. It is described in Romans. 5 It is leaving all of getting your obvious and hidden issues resolved. It is giving up on Adam, the flesh the old nature and spend the rest of your natural life being living and growing In Christ. As in John 15. This is the secret that most do not even understand,much less follow.
You can go the road of 7 ways to be a better mom, wife ,witness, servant,leaders blah blah or sit at Jesus feet and become something you. Never expected of dreamed of.
We or told, to forsake our life, die to self, consider ourselves dead and be a living sacrifice. And to walk in the Spirit, seek God with ALl our heart,and walk in newness of life. God will not fix your old nature. He gives us a new one. A spiritual one a mystical one. Seek that, you will not find it in a church program,only in Christ.
I love that He gives us a new one!! Thanks very much for this will save it to remind me 🙂
Great testimony Sophie, honest and open. It’s what people need to hear as they are surrounded with lies and doubts. You are amazing and inspirational, you have a real calling on your life. Thank you for sharing, God will protect you and your family as you are used for his purpose. Love you lots. God bless you and keep you. ????????
Thanks so so much Tina love you lots too and thank you for all the help in guiding me I’m So grateful.
Lots of love and hugs xxx
We’ll done Sophie for ‘coming out’. You are amazing, an inspiration and God loves you so much. I know how difficult this was for you but thank you for being brave. Sending so much love and prayer. xxx
Thanks so much sarah and thank you for being such a support and inspiration – I’m so thank full to have you as a friend xx
Thank you for letting us all know the wonderful news!! Don’t ever be afraid to share your faith. By you being honest abouh who you are, you may help someone else find God simply through your testimony. This post was the highlight of my night. Overcoming anxiety is extremely hard, but you did it when you hit publish! You rock!
Thanks so so much Alicia that is so kind of you!! And so true sending lots of love xxxx
Thank you for sharing your testimony! For me It has been a long journey-but through the trials God has grown my faith and has taught me to trust him and release my false sense of control to him. He has truly healed me. I have OCD as well and I’ll pray that much healing continues for your in your faith journey.
Thanks so much Lindsey I shall pray for you too. Thank you for reading and please keep in touch xxx