Yup I just hit you with the V-word.
Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Or as we call it “front bum”… Yes I’m a modern girl with a (hushed breath) va-gi-na and I still refer to the ahem V area.. As front bum?! (I’ll get over it eventually, just like my nanny had to get over the widely used term “bum bag,” it’s a “tummy bag” she’d say…).

Ok on to vanity & vaginas… Oh and that small thing called childbirth (that eruption out of your fanny… Fanny feels easier to say than Vagina, why?!).

Anyway, I wasn’t born an earth mother, I was a career girl in a material world so when these two worlds collided (car-crashed) I was pulled in different directions.

On the one side I wanted a boob job, I loved fake tan, fake hair and pretty nails.

And then on the other hand, I felt like I was finally discovering myself on some hippy happy earth-mother-bus.

So whilst I prepared for my first and second birth, determined to make it totally “natural” and drug-free… I was also met by my vain brain with…

“How do I style this out?!”

“How do I get this little creature out of my Vagina (front bum!) without looking like I am starring in a horror movie?”

And I couldn’t even think about potential bowel eruptions at the same time as this whole birth thing…

“And worst still, how do I get the perfect photos post-birth?”

I want(ed) to be all natural and booby-feeding but I also wanted to look like Kim Kardashian with an au natural (but fake) sunny glow to my skin.

So here’s my step-by-step guide to a vain birth whilst appearing to look like an earth mother (or vice versa): 

– Pregnancy:

Start an exercise plan before getting up the duff (unless your one of those unexpected mums like I was. But luckily I was already a boring gym-bunny) as being fit & healthy where possible always helps.

[wpvideo WoGgIau3] – Stretch marks: 

Lather yourself in bio-oil and Palmer’s Cocoa Butter.

If your genes make you more inclined to get stretch marks, you’ll probably get some anyway but at least your skin will be soft and you’ll smell nice (Smelly sweaty pregnancy hormones can be gross.. So I tried to lather what I could reach and, layer my perfume). Yes BO, you weren’t getting the best of me!

Oh and you’ll shine from all the oil so just imagine you’re on holiday or a trainee body-builder (anything to escape the feeling of an embryo kicking the hell out of your pelvic floor…)

– Pelvic floor:

I downloaded an app to remind me to exercise my “fanny floor”. And yes I did. Every flipping day. Im a dancer so I am already strong down there… But nothing can prepare you from the beating giving birth can give you.

I’m convinced my muscles were so strong down there that I pushed my insides out and that’s why I got a prolapse.

Yes. Prolapses aren’t just reserved for the elderly. You too can get a prolapse like mine! Even if you’re a young mum like me…

Yes, prepare, it can’t do any harm, but face it if your fanny hangs low after birth it may take more than a good muscle squeeze to correct it.

My gynaecologist gave me a mahoosive pessary to keep everything inside. Yuk, yes. But better than feeling like your womb is wandering off.

He’s also promised me a designer vagina i.e. I’ll get sewed up when I’ve stopped having babies.

– Hospital Bag: 

So if you manage to endure an antenatal course or class, you may jot down some of the essentials – towel, clean nightie, cash for parking, baby clothes, nappies blah blah blah.

But what I also stored in my bulging wheelie suitcase was an extra nightie because yes birth involves lots of blood… And we’ve all been there with period leaks on our clothes. So remember have an “I’ve just given birth” but clean nightie as the other one will need bleaching.

Also I threw in a make up bag with face wipes. Moisturiser, waterproof mascara & eyeliner and Primer is your friend.

Take Tena ladies!… Unless you want to wear a hospital grade adult nappy… Suddenly Bridget Jones’ pants look slinky.

Phone & charger.

And not just clothes for your baby to leave hospital looking like they’re on a Gap advert… Clean, comfy but stylish clothes for you!

After all, so many people take photos once you’ve had a baby. You might not care at the time but you will when you see the photos. Believe me, I know.

And while you’re at it dry shampoo can do wonders for your Barnett.

– Pre-birth beauty: 

I had a number of items lined up for when my contractions started…

Waterproof eye liner: a heavy duty one like Rimmel or Mac that will last the long distance of labour.

Xen-tan: I swear by this fake tan especially for my face.

Bikini wax: DIY as you get more sensitive down below during pregnancy so tweezers it was for me.

Shave: daily so your not caught out when the baby arrives.

Shellac: enjoy a pre-birth manicure & pedicure. Get gel nail polish on so you don’t have to think about them.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Of course all of the above tips are really just confessions about my vanity and how I tried to style it out. Not what you actually should do.

Because the main thing is your baby and your sanity.

Birth is beautiful in its own right and can be enjoyable. 

BUT I just had to keep a bit of the “old me” in there.