Sometimes it’s important to admit your failures as well as celebrating your successes. People always say to me: “Wow you do so much” or “You’re doing so well.”
And whilst this is largely true and I appreciate compliments, there’s stuff that has been happening in the background.
As you know, I am a mum to two human beings, I have a family and businesses to run (so yeah, I am doing a lot) and I am fairly happy/successful, but what people don’t see is all the mini failures that lead to those few “successes.”
For example, at the moment “I have a publisher and I am writing a book.” On paper, that is me doing “amazingly well,” which I am proud of… but…
In reality, I have not kept up to my writing schedule for my new book and project around eating disorders. And as this book is about the reality of living with an eating disorder, the reality is that sometimes it (however the self-harm manifests itself either as an eating disorder or something else) has taken control of my life for the past couple of months. When my head is dark and cloudy, my ambitions float away as I struggle to get through the day let alone see the future or a book being published. The Sophie that committed to the book, the Sophie that dreamt of writing a book and make sense out of her life, suddenly became blocked by anxiety, depression and paranoia.
So I am late, I apologise, I am late at starting this project on eating disorders because for the past couple of months I haven’t been coping.
It got to such a point that I was nearly hospitalised. I couldn’t get suicide or self-harm out of my head. The world felt too noisy, too much. I so desperately wanted to be there for my children but I felt it would be best for everyone if I were to escape this life.
I still kept to my work deadlines as I hate letting other people down but as I set my own deadline for this book and have inevitably let myself down.
Luckily, I have a very loyal and understanding publisher.
I really want to do this book justice and to take my time on it because it is part of my healing journey and perhaps your journey. I would like to say it is a book about recovery, but it isn’t though.
It is a book that I hope will help others feel they are not alone (carers and sufferers) as well as offering some understanding to people who struggle to comprehend eating disorders and ultimately it will help me to heal somewhat, although I am not sure I’ll ever “fully recover.”
I hope to be able to manage my mental illnesses better as well as sharing tips to help each-other cope better without the added pressure of “recovery.”
Whilst I am still poorly at the moment, I feel well enough now to start writing again and actually this book is a good focus which I will take at my own pace researching each topic, if you want to contribute to the book, please do join us in our closed facebook group.
Topics we’ll be looking at are:
- Childhood: Children with eating disorders and parents with eating disorders. Are eating disorders nature or nurture?
- Family: Are eating disorders in your genes? Could what you eat as a family influence your likelihood to develop an eating disorder?
- Abuse: What impact does abuse have on how you see your body? Are survivors of abuse more likely to develop eating disorders?
- Bullying & Body image: How can we build or maintain body positive messages during vulnerable times in our lives? Is it always in our control?
- Race/ Identity: If you’re from an ethnic minority, does this impact your mental health in any particular way? Are you more prone to eating disorders? And what’s it like being of dual heritage today?
- Disorder / treatment: What life is like as an in-patient and out-patient on an eating disorder unit. Is there the right treatment available for all? Or is it a postcode lottery?
- Career: Why do many ambitious and successful individuals suffer from an eating disorder?
- Relationships: How do you date with an eating disorder? Can you sustain a relationship with an ED?
- Giving birth: Dealing with an ED whilst pregnant. How having children saved me…
- Recovery: Can you recover from an eating disorder? If so, how? Or at least how can you best manage it?
All of the topics above follow my own personal journey in chronological order – from my childhood to giving birth to my own children.
If you would like to get involved and contribute to the book/project, please join us in our closed facebook group
Or if you just want a general chit-chat about mental-health, wellbeing and with some positive affirmations thrown in, please join me and others in our facebook group: Mama Mei’s Health Club